Days 16- 18: One hole closer

Where there is smoke…

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… there might be cancer?

This weekend was filled with cigarettes. I don’t know why I can’t refrain from smoking. Despite the fact I have been crazy sick Friday, I suddenly felt much better. The BF and I drank an entire keg. Our neighbor came over at 3 am and brought cigarettes. That night, I smoked two cigarettes.

On Saturday, I felt much better. Our neighbor asked me to take him shopping. We smoked another two cigarettes that afternoon. The BF and I drove to a birthday party in our original home town. I was the DD but that didn’t stop me from smoking almost another pack. Disgusting! Weirdly enough, I have no problem with not drinking but all of a sudden I need to smoke?! WTF?! Giving up smoking is hard AF. It’s the hardest thing I can imagine. Even harder than med school and that shit sucked the life out of me.

Even worse: I continued this stupid behavior on Sunday. WTF is wrong with me?! The BF does not approve. My mother does not approve. Everybody wants me to be safe and healthy. Why do I smoke? Giving up drinking all together wouldn’t be a problem for me at all but smoking (I don’t smoke during the week and barely on weekends).

Today, I experience the worst cough (which brought upon myself) and I deeply regret everything. This pain has led me to the idea to add a ‘I didn’t smoke’-checkbox to my journal. Maybe this will help.

Apart from deep regret regarding my smoking habits, I have some news:

I am starting to feel skinnier! Finally! While at my parents’ I did not step on their fancy scale because I decided it wouldn’t matter anymore. The scale was supposed to show me progress – regardless of the number it shows. It was supposed to simply show me whether not my weight has decreased. But at what cost? The first weigh-in made me super mad and feel bad about myself. It ruined my day and it’s simply not worth the energy. It’s only a stupid box on the floor. Why do we let it have so much power over us? My weigh-ins will be skipped. I shall no longer weigh myself every 15 days.  Those days will be just like the others. 

And the best: My belt shows me that I am one belt hole closer to my goal. 

 

Day 9

Rules followed: 6/8

YAY ME! I finally listened to the audio trance. I am so proud of myself. I would say that Day 9 has been the best day so far – and I am not even talking about just the rules. 6/8 is pretty good, of course, but I also had a wonderful day all together because a) the sun was out and the temperatures were a.m.a.z.i.n.g. and b) I met a really sweet girl and we had a great time hanging out (still looking for more friends) and c) got to talk to my BFF for hours on the phone and d) I moved around a lot which really boosted my energy. Just listening to the audio trance and thus the feeling of accomplishment was very satisfying. I felt like I could conquer anything. Just like the book demands, I was hungry and I felt like late-night-cake. We had some super rich cake at 11.30 pm and it didn’t even bother me. I ate slowly and left some cake on the plate but it sure was nice not having to worry about anything. The method gives you so much quality in life, I strongly recommend it anybody with weight issues.

I needed that boost. My mood had been down for the first 8 days of this journey.

Day 10 will also become very active. The BF and I will be hiking around all day – without cell phones. I cannot wait. We both look forward to getting out of the city and breathing some fresh air in the woods.

Day 8

Rules followed: 3/8

Today was a bad day foodwise and a good day activitywise. Day 7 required new goals for this week and I already managed to achieve one: Meet new people. I joined a Facebook group to meet up to play Badminton. Unfortunately, the BF threw out his back two nights ago so that he couldn’t attend. Instead, our neighbour Tobi came to the rescue and joined in. I had stated that I would bring another person along and the court rent was calculated based on my statement and we played doubles so there had to be an even number.

Badminton is one of my favourite sports and I am so glad I got to play again. My game was lit. Nobody knew I still had it in me. It was exhausting, I’ll admit that. My heart condition kicked in once, but that was ok. I am very happy I got to play again.

As far as my eating goes, I ate when I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t stop in time, I had candy all day and I have yet to listen to the audio trance since starting this journal. Tomorrow will be another day. I did the mirror technique really briefly, but at least I did it.

Day 7

The recap

quick-recap

On this day, the journal requests a brief recap of the past week. There are questions to be answered and it’s a great tool to set your focus in the right direction.

The hardest part of the past week was going by the rules. I cannot let go of my eating habbits, I do good for a while and then I start falling off the wagon. Ususally in the evening. All I want is to drop weight, become healthy and be able to feel good about myself. This must sound ridiculous but it’s almost as though I have been taken over by my evil self that keeps eliminating attempts and progresses just by suffocating the good me. The fire I want to start doesn’t stand any chance at all. I am incredribly frustrated and I take it out on everybody. Will I ever be skinny once I turn 30? Will I even make it to 30?

There is a great difference between knowing something and realising its impact. Deep down, I always knew I could either be my best friend or my worst enemy. When I met my friend B., I felt as though I was pushing away the evil me and hugging the good me so hard we merged into one. Today, the evil bitch is back and I feel powerless. Oh how I wish to punch that cunt in the face and give her a kick in the ass so hard she just wants to flee. All my anger should be channeled into creating the life I want and I know I should transform that hate energy into positive thinking. Blablabla. I know all that. But it doesn’t change that I am weak in certain situations. I guess I learned that I REALLY seriously need to listen to the audio track the book came with.

There were three things that I should set as a goal for week two.

  1. I only want to eat when I am really really hungry.
  2. I want to live healthy and I want to take every step towards a healthy lifestyle (smokingwise).
  3. I want to meet new people and be open (Being relatively new to the city, I figured it might be great to meet new friends).

ATM, I am utterly frustrated with myself. I know the book wants you to always be loving towards yourself but I currently feel like having a split personality and I really wanna get rid of the mean one. Let’s hope I will figure this out in week two!

The cookie dough incident.

+++ Read the entire story including an exclusive statement from Susi L. only here on 30andskinny! +++

Cologne. On October 4th, 2017, writer Susi L. found herself bored and in the safety of her own home. While scrolling through Pinterest, she came across a post that would change her life. Based on former searches and interests, Pinterst suggested the ‘Cookie Dough Craving Fix For 1’. Upon clicking on said post, Susi discovered that she had all the ingredients but one in her home. She prepared the mix without the missing ingredient, placed the almost-ready mix in one of the cupboards so that her boyfriend would not find it once returning home from work and pretended like nothing had happened.

While Susi L. was about to walk to the grocery store in order to purchase said missing ingredient, her boyfriend asked her to drive him and their mutual friend to the movie theathre she agreed to do so. Once the men had left the car, she proceeded to drive to the next store with parking spots available. Sources say that Susi L. was seen wearing black sweatpants when she entered a local Aldi store in Cologne. An eye-witness told us that she had purchased  unsuspicious basic items such as bottled water, fruit and vegetables, oats, hummus and butter. Apart from wearing sweatpants and a track suit jacket, nothing seemed suspicious. The cashier told us that she even paid cash which she took out of an envelope that said ‘October 2017’. Her behaviour was described as that of a normal customer during later store hours. Another eye witness said that she had dark circles under her eyes and that she was very pale.

As she proceeded to load the purchases into the car, another car drove up to her and asked her about store hours and whether or not they had to pay for parking. After having parked the car, the driver approached L. one last time to ask if she herself had paid for the parking. L. declined, the man proceded and L. returned her shopping cart. The driver told us: ‘She seemed very tired and based on what I saw in her trunk, she really needs to clean out her car. There were clothes all over the trunk.’

In the car, Susi L. placed the butter on the passenger seat and turned on the seat warmer in order to soften the butter. As soon as she stepped into the kitchen she droped to bag of groceries and got out the almost-ready mix. She scooped up two tablespoons of the now-soft butter and added it to the mix. The regular spoon wouldn’t work so she had to rely on a technical device in order to create the perfect cookie dough.

L. ate the whole thing in two sessions. Upon the first bite, L. found the dough way too sweet but proceeded anyways. After watching her new-found favourite series ‘Catastrophe’, she decided to put one half of the dough into the freezer. Two episodes later, L. retrieved the second half to eat it in a second session.

As her boyfriend returned from home, she had already removed all evidence. To this day, L.’s boyfriend has no knowledge of the incident as he declined any comment. L. herself agreed to give us an exclusive statement:

Susi L.: ‘I am very ashamed of my actions. At the moment they might only hurt my teeth and my overall body fat percentage, but in the long run they might hurt my friends and family. There is no excuse for this behaviour. It’s time for me to clean up my act and change my lifestyle. Eating what was supposed to be a cookie dough fix for one person but turned out to be more than just one portion was simply wrong and I have to accept the fact that it wasn’t even that delicious and yet, I chose to eat the entire thing. It didn’t even satisfy me! I am disgusted by myself and in that night, I realized that I had hit rock bottom. Now it’s time for me to climb back up and climbing is always easier when you’re skinny so that is where 30andskinny comes into the picture. I promise to stick with Paul McKenna’s method and by the time I turn 30, I will be back at my original weight and back at the top.’