… there might be cancer?
This weekend was filled with cigarettes. I don’t know why I can’t refrain from smoking. Despite the fact I have been crazy sick Friday, I suddenly felt much better. The BF and I drank an entire keg. Our neighbor came over at 3 am and brought cigarettes. That night, I smoked two cigarettes.
On Saturday, I felt much better. Our neighbor asked me to take him shopping. We smoked another two cigarettes that afternoon. The BF and I drove to a birthday party in our original home town. I was the DD but that didn’t stop me from smoking almost another pack. Disgusting! Weirdly enough, I have no problem with not drinking but all of a sudden I need to smoke?! WTF?! Giving up smoking is hard AF. It’s the hardest thing I can imagine. Even harder than med school and that shit sucked the life out of me.
Even worse: I continued this stupid behavior on Sunday. WTF is wrong with me?! The BF does not approve. My mother does not approve. Everybody wants me to be safe and healthy. Why do I smoke? Giving up drinking all together wouldn’t be a problem for me at all but smoking (I don’t smoke during the week and barely on weekends).
Today, I experience the worst cough (which brought upon myself) and I deeply regret everything. This pain has led me to the idea to add a ‘I didn’t smoke’-checkbox to my journal. Maybe this will help.
Apart from deep regret regarding my smoking habits, I have some news:
I am starting to feel skinnier! Finally! While at my parents’ I did not step on their fancy scale because I decided it wouldn’t matter anymore. The scale was supposed to show me progress – regardless of the number it shows. It was supposed to simply show me whether not my weight has decreased. But at what cost? The first weigh-in made me super mad and feel bad about myself. It ruined my day and it’s simply not worth the energy. It’s only a stupid box on the floor. Why do we let it have so much power over us? My weigh-ins will be skipped. I shall no longer weigh myself every 15 days. Those days will be just like the others.
And the best: My belt shows me that I am one belt hole closer to my goal.