Days 20 & 21: Visible results?

Moving in the right direction

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Yes! I feel like the first results are currently becoming more and more visible. My legs seem to slim up. However, my legs never really were fat in the first place. The majority of my fat lives in my belly area. According to my BF, my belly sticks out more (even when I suck it in). With my legs now slimming down I will look like Gru from ‘Despicable me’: Tiny legs, giant belly. My OBGYN made me fill out a form and was surprised by what I filled in and told me I looked skinnier 🙂 🙂 Then again, I am very tall and people are usually distracted by my legs and only see my belly area after they look twice.

But wait, there is more!

Christmas is around the corner and my writing gigs have been slow these days, I had to find a new job to get some money. You know the story; starving artist in a big city. Lucky me managed to land two jobs and I still have to decide which one I would like. Both are office-related. One is 4 to 6 week-gig. I’m kinda feeling that one more but I will try out the other on Friday and hopefully then be able to figure out which job I want.

Moving has been quite an easy task for me on Day 21 because I had many meetings and dates spread across the city. My pedometer showed more than 10,000 steps at midnight and after that it starts counting new again. I met with the boys and we had some beer and – OMG idk what is wrong with me – smoked a lot. Today will be a new trial run, I am sick and tired of smoking but in certain situations I simply cannot help myself but smoke.

Days 16- 18: One hole closer

Where there is smoke…

… there might be cancer?

This weekend was filled with cigarettes. I don’t know why I can’t refrain from smoking. Despite the fact I have been crazy sick Friday, I suddenly felt much better. The BF and I drank an entire keg. Our neighbor came over at 3 am and brought cigarettes. That night, I smoked two cigarettes.

On Saturday, I felt much better. Our neighbor asked me to take him shopping. We smoked another two cigarettes that afternoon. The BF and I drove to a birthday party in our original home town. I was the DD but that didn’t stop me from smoking almost another pack. Disgusting! Weirdly enough, I have no problem with not drinking but all of a sudden I need to smoke?! WTF?! Giving up smoking is hard AF. It’s the hardest thing I can imagine. Even harder than med school and that shit sucked the life out of me.

Even worse: I continued this stupid behavior on Sunday. WTF is wrong with me?! The BF does not approve. My mother does not approve. Everybody wants me to be safe and healthy. Why do I smoke? Giving up drinking all together wouldn’t be a problem for me at all but smoking (I don’t smoke during the week and barely on weekends).

Today, I experience the worst cough (which brought upon myself) and I deeply regret everything. This pain has led me to the idea to add a ‘I didn’t smoke’-checkbox to my journal. Maybe this will help.

Apart from deep regret regarding my smoking habits, I have some news:

I am starting to feel skinnier! Finally! While at my parents’ I did not step on their fancy scale because I decided it wouldn’t matter anymore. The scale was supposed to show me progress – regardless of the number it shows. It was supposed to simply show me whether not my weight has decreased. But at what cost? The first weigh-in made me super mad and feel bad about myself. It ruined my day and it’s simply not worth the energy. It’s only a stupid box on the floor. Why do we let it have so much power over us? My weigh-ins will be skipped. I shall no longer weigh myself every 15 days.  Those days will be just like the others. 

And the best: My belt shows me that I am one belt hole closer to my goal. 

 

Day 14: Recap

Another week, another recap

The second week is over. Time for a recap!

What was the best part of last week? 

The weather, meeting my new friend Angela and getting around to get some photography done. 

What was the hardest?

Following the rules – especially while being sick.

What have I learned?

That I need to stop wasting time on screens and focus on my life. Also, that I should stop watching shows about fake lives when I have my own, real life.

Three things I want to do next week:

a. Get back with medicine? 

b. Handle my finances

c. Get the apartment done to where we can visitors at any given time and not feel ashamed. 

Day 10

Rules followed: 5/8

The weather was gorgeous. I am big fall lover thus I had to be outside for the golden time and see nature’s most beautiful phase. Since my BF seems to be under a lot of stress lately, we decided not to use our phones (I broke the rule by taking pictures with it before popping out my DLSR) and instead search for serenity.

The BF chose a route to hike. It was bloody long. We got see the Löwenburg in Rhöndorf or let’s say we got to sit on ruins of a castle while we got to enjoy the most beautiful view ever – combined with beautiful weather. My weight issues were clearly presented to me on the way up as geriatric joggers passed me by while I couldn’t breathe and my heart was acting up. As a formerly thin person, I know how much easier moving around is once you drop a certain weight. I cannot wait to get there again.

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IG: susilambr

My activity tracker counted 22.993 steps until midnight. After our hike we went to Ikea to grab a bite and then walked through the entire thing without buying anything (very proud of myself). Once we got home we took quick showers and changed, then hopped on the train to meet our friends. I felt glorious. Being outside isn’t really on my mind anymore but there is nothing more relaxing than a walk through the woods.

I ate some candy, I ate real food. I enjoyed it all. For my late-night-snack after drinking, I decided to let everybody have a bite to try. Hanging out with hungry guys is a good way to drop weight because they take giant bites. I only ended up eating half of what I ordered and that was more than enough. I felt fine not eating that much. Actually, that might be the biggest change I am currently experiencing: I get by with lesser food. The down side: The BF eats up my left-overs although he himself is very unhappy with his weight and he wants to drop some weight as well.

Day 9

Rules followed: 6/8

YAY ME! I finally listened to the audio trance. I am so proud of myself. I would say that Day 9 has been the best day so far – and I am not even talking about just the rules. 6/8 is pretty good, of course, but I also had a wonderful day all together because a) the sun was out and the temperatures were a.m.a.z.i.n.g. and b) I met a really sweet girl and we had a great time hanging out (still looking for more friends) and c) got to talk to my BFF for hours on the phone and d) I moved around a lot which really boosted my energy. Just listening to the audio trance and thus the feeling of accomplishment was very satisfying. I felt like I could conquer anything. Just like the book demands, I was hungry and I felt like late-night-cake. We had some super rich cake at 11.30 pm and it didn’t even bother me. I ate slowly and left some cake on the plate but it sure was nice not having to worry about anything. The method gives you so much quality in life, I strongly recommend it anybody with weight issues.

I needed that boost. My mood had been down for the first 8 days of this journey.

Day 10 will also become very active. The BF and I will be hiking around all day – without cell phones. I cannot wait. We both look forward to getting out of the city and breathing some fresh air in the woods.

Day 8

Rules followed: 3/8

Today was a bad day foodwise and a good day activitywise. Day 7 required new goals for this week and I already managed to achieve one: Meet new people. I joined a Facebook group to meet up to play Badminton. Unfortunately, the BF threw out his back two nights ago so that he couldn’t attend. Instead, our neighbour Tobi came to the rescue and joined in. I had stated that I would bring another person along and the court rent was calculated based on my statement and we played doubles so there had to be an even number.

Badminton is one of my favourite sports and I am so glad I got to play again. My game was lit. Nobody knew I still had it in me. It was exhausting, I’ll admit that. My heart condition kicked in once, but that was ok. I am very happy I got to play again.

As far as my eating goes, I ate when I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t stop in time, I had candy all day and I have yet to listen to the audio trance since starting this journal. Tomorrow will be another day. I did the mirror technique really briefly, but at least I did it.

Day 7

The recap

quick-recap

On this day, the journal requests a brief recap of the past week. There are questions to be answered and it’s a great tool to set your focus in the right direction.

The hardest part of the past week was going by the rules. I cannot let go of my eating habbits, I do good for a while and then I start falling off the wagon. Ususally in the evening. All I want is to drop weight, become healthy and be able to feel good about myself. This must sound ridiculous but it’s almost as though I have been taken over by my evil self that keeps eliminating attempts and progresses just by suffocating the good me. The fire I want to start doesn’t stand any chance at all. I am incredribly frustrated and I take it out on everybody. Will I ever be skinny once I turn 30? Will I even make it to 30?

There is a great difference between knowing something and realising its impact. Deep down, I always knew I could either be my best friend or my worst enemy. When I met my friend B., I felt as though I was pushing away the evil me and hugging the good me so hard we merged into one. Today, the evil bitch is back and I feel powerless. Oh how I wish to punch that cunt in the face and give her a kick in the ass so hard she just wants to flee. All my anger should be channeled into creating the life I want and I know I should transform that hate energy into positive thinking. Blablabla. I know all that. But it doesn’t change that I am weak in certain situations. I guess I learned that I REALLY seriously need to listen to the audio track the book came with.

There were three things that I should set as a goal for week two.

  1. I only want to eat when I am really really hungry.
  2. I want to live healthy and I want to take every step towards a healthy lifestyle (smokingwise).
  3. I want to meet new people and be open (Being relatively new to the city, I figured it might be great to meet new friends).

ATM, I am utterly frustrated with myself. I know the book wants you to always be loving towards yourself but I currently feel like having a split personality and I really wanna get rid of the mean one. Let’s hope I will figure this out in week two!